Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic

in the ocean

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?

Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat

When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.

My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.

Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch

The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.

I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.

Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.

Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”

Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”

I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.

He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.

How bad is it, doc?

“Well, you’ll never run again”

So basically the same

I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.

first you must answer his riddles

Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.

Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.

I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened

Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers

Woman: you mean he’s

Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care

Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.

My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”

That was last night and I still haven’t recovered

me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax

flock of early birds: guess again

wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”

me: do you have these but in the pretzel version

pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank

i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”

Me: “Efficient.”

[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.

The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again

Well, maybe we should get rid of it

The plant? But we just got it

. . .Haha yeah, the plant

[the day after I meet a genie]

boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today

me: *loudly* oh wow so weird

I feel like people just come to the airport to cough