Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Head shoulders knees & toes

Doctor: ok no problem

Me: eyes ears mouth & nose

Doctor: that’s a different guy

I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..

If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.

I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today

Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.

A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”

Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?

[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man

i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey

Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.

[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien

I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It

I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.

I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.

there is asparagus
in my hairagus

and I don’t

caragus

My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try

I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.

Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.

ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”

I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.

It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna

a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real

*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*

*Takes kid to pub*

*Bumps into wife at pub*

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.

My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked

A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.

Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!

Hostage 1: No!

Hostage 2: Please! No!

Me: So…who gets to be the front?

Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.

I’m not even sorry…

Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.

*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”

If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.