German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
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In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Ok but actually
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I never needed anything more in my life
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on