German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
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Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Did I do this right
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Me: Have you been following the H1B stuff? My wife: No, what happened? Did it mutate to infect humans?