Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.

Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..

Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.

*Cleans house*

*looks at family*

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”

I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.

I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin

As a kid: what tf does that mean?

Turns 40: ohhhhh

I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse

i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room

I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS

i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t

my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard

This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane

Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!

Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!

Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.

One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day

WIFE: Remember to check for firmness

ME: When should kids be allowed to date?

TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo

ME: OK this one is good

Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.

Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there

sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting

When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.

My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.

just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi

“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”

-Marilyn Monroe

Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.

*in the car*

7yo: I can count to 100,000

5yo: oh yeah, then do it

me: no

little girl: he was a gift

horse dentist: then I cannot help you

last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anyway

next year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner

Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.

And just like that, civilisation reached its limits

ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today

ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE

ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you