Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.

So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?

“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”

Me: *leaves room

A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.

How we blocked people in the 90s 😄

I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.

My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.

i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise

Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?

Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?

You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.

My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.

If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.

Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them

Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.

i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas

ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.

My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life

Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.

If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh

Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.

Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.

[drive thru window]

toddler: can I say hi?

me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*

toddler: two milkshakes please

I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.

I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.

*reading a children’s book*

That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.

Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.

Thank goodness.

I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.

Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop