-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
You Might Also Like
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.