*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
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At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!