Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.

Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.

kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them

Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones

Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.

I learned 2 things today:

My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck

That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck

I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles

You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.

–Psycho Therapy

You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.

DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir

*first date*

Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money

Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body

Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.

“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip

My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16

[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you

Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.

Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.

Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?

Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?

“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.

Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.

Middle age: Hold my beer.

Me: What?

women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister

Cops should stop the use of dogs.

There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.

No one would mess with a police bear.

ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume

the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature

I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.

One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.

Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.