[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
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Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
british sex workers really pound for pound
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.