Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed

If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.

No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.

There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things

The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)

Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.

I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant

If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.

[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red

Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.

Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms

I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.

Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.

“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon

[Ocean’s 14]

Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine

to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.

me: *turns around in swivel chair*

*tents fingers*

I guess you never expected to see ME again…

Boss: Must we do this every Monday?

I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.

Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂

Does anything good ever escape from a lab

*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.

the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!

[Murder mystery dinner]

ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.

ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?

My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on

I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.

When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.

I know this now.

me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”

Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming

Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.