Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Freezing cake does not impede eating.

Stiff calories are still delicious.

INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?

ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.

This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂

[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla

If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?

Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?

Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”

Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself.”

I have a lot of experience.

“Great, can you elaborate?”

They’re bad experiences.

The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.

I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter

*First Passover*

The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.

My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.

*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*

I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.

That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.

ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES

Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.

Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?

Lawyer:

genie: what is your first wish

me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice

genie: [kermit the frog voice] why

Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me

Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.

Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.

I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.

I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.

[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”

Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?

The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.

heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt

heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat