@drewtoothpaste

Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.

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@VerifiedDrunk

Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?

@pilau

[titanic, 1912]

Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich

First mate: ICEBERG

Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave

@bornmiserable

[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you

@marinhubka

“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*

@TySmithdrums

Me: “Can I see the baby?”

Sister: “Yes, but only if she’s awake.”

Me, through a megaphone: “NOT A PROBLEM.”

@LifesGoodThing

My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.

@HiddleDeeDee

Eight hours into this family road trip I realized my lifelong vow to avoid illegal drugs was stupid.

@djdarrellripley

Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.

Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.

@sixfootcandy

My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.