Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
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Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Me: “Can I see the baby?”
Sister: “Yes, but only if she’s awake.”
Me, through a megaphone: “NOT A PROBLEM.”
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Eight hours into this family road trip I realized my lifelong vow to avoid illegal drugs was stupid.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.