Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
You Might Also Like
Cardio Made Easy
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.