Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
You Might Also Like
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for