Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.

[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY

*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”

i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”

4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.

Me: Oh darn.

*30 seconds later*

4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower

I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere

Them: You’ve changed.

Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.

I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.

I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.

[Shark Tank]

INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?

ME: Yep

INVESTOR: And you call it the-

ME: The Bracho, yes

I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”

mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10

me: ok

[later]

me: hey grandma

grandma: hello dear

me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842

My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.

Baking instructions should be:

Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.

“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.

Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*

Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”

Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”

Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)

I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.

me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t

Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…

Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.

Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”

Me: “Yes I did.”

Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”

Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.

Me: dang those wings were spicy

WebMD: you have cancer

Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn

WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ

Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.

Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.

I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning

Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?

Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end

So many pants.
So little yoga.

Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”