Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
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Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
My account is fake I’m actually your probation officer.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Ugh
