Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV

Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair

[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R

Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.

[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.

Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”

*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.

Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?

Everyone…

MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*

[saying goodnight in French]

me: bon nuit

autocorrect: bone unit

When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”

“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.

Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon

[later]

Wife: pass me the rock sample bags

Me: I thought you brought them

[opening day at fast food place]

manager: all the orders in?

employee: yes.

manager: the electrical all set?

employee: yes.

manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?

employee: yes.

manager: perfect. we’re ready.

My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.

*me almost finished with a chore*

Husband: Here, let me do that.

Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims

It really ruins the vibe when you’re sharing a hilarious story from your childhood and people are like “omg that’s horrible” or “do you want my therapist’s phone number?”

[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does

” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium

“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”

When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating

wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair

Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey

Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means

Dementor: what the hell

@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”

Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!

I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.

‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.

🎶we are never ever ever getting back together

– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine

– What have you come as?

– A Werewolf.

– But… they’re your normal clothes.

– It’s not a full moon.