Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
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Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?