Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
You Might Also Like
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Worst bar ever.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*