Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.

how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell

In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties

FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex

ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that

Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.

VS

Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”

I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.

I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.

My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.

I said, try ordering Tacos instead.

once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”

*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*

Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law

Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX

most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them

I dumbed there ONE time and now this.

How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?

The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something

me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*

her: I said it’s *petrified* wood

me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me

I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.

playing pool? you mean swimming?

Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?

Victor Frankenstein: No.

Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on

Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.

*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*

[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.

The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.

my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.

My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:

Pick your nose

True

If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.

Single in your 20s: help your friends move

Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends