Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
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All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
me, flirting: did it hurt?
her: what
me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
sin harder.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there