Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
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dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.
10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys