“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?
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Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.