“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?
You Might Also Like
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
*cough*
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?