“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?
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My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*