“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?
You Might Also Like
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
I ate everything, including the H.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking