“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?
You Might Also Like
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
😏😏😏
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Alexa turn off the planet
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another