Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.

welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder

Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.

Change my mind.

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though

My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.

ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!

FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.

ME: It really is.

*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD

Husband: Give me one example.

Me: ALL the times.

Husband: Those don’t count.

I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”

[car dealership]

“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”

fred flintstone: i’ll take it!

addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother

Me: *covers foot with blanket*

Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*

Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin

Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream

Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.

If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?

When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.

Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressing

Saying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper

Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.

Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.

[fancy restaurant]

me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?

moth date: [shrugs]

Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU

us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour

I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.

Me: *buys item from online retailer*

Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW

marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.

Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.

I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”

OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.

Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch

Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.

Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.