“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
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Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
When asked my name, I always hesitate because I still can’t decide between “David” and “Dave”. The delay makes me sound like an idiot who doesn’t know his own name. Which I suppose I am.
The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
