“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
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Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
hacker: i know your social security number
me: that makes one of us
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.