“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
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[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?