“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.