Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
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Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao
Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices