Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
You Might Also Like
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
bro what is going on at twitter
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”