“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
You Might Also Like
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?