Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.

No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity

Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)

My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.

Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.

Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.

Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?

Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.

6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?

Me: Uh

6: Nevermind, Siri…

British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”

Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.

Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.

Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.

you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter

Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol

I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.

Thus I have to move it to get a beer.

Because exercise is important too.

I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.

Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?

Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer

Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?

I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.

this independent good boy don’t need no human

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.

Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.

“Hello what’s your emergency?”

Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up

Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!

Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote

Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.

“I don’t remember watching this”

SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.

“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”

I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads

😍😂🥰😂😍

What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.

*deals poker hand*

peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]

everyone, at exactly the same time: fold

Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.

I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.

If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.