Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
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Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
good morning
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today
Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE