Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
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I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats