Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
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The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]