Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
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Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
A comic by Hugleikur Dagsson
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
I tried screaming into the void today, but the line was too long.