Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?

me: I have a phobia of very large numbers

therapist: I can help u

me: thanks a twelve

ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that

Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo

Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.

Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.

Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster

Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror

If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?

Spongebob | (•)(•) |

Patrick / (•)(•)

Squidward ( (•)(•) )

Plankton | (•) |

Mr Krabs |$||$|

Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?

Jesus steals the winter solstice

Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?

I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.

Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

[Commercial for commercials]

ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?

Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money

Manager: Is this true

Waiter: I just gave him the check

date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob

I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.

[heaven]

god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.

cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish

Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.

Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.

Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!

*sigh*
Me: thanks God!

My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”

*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”

Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35

OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON

Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.

Crush: what are u doing

Me: laying in bed listening to music

Crush: nice what kind

Me: it’s memory foam

Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist

Me: Picasso

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.