Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
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“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”
Saw your ex at the shops
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”