Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.

this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in

Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?

Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.

My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”

Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background

Don’t ask me how I know

*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!

Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.

superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early

man: is that a bird?

Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.

Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope

I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.

Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.

Enter new password

“336Hours”

Your password is two weeks

This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.

Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.

I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.

For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.

#topahole

Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.

Me: A storm is coming

My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?

My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,

Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.

Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”

*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*

“Same”

Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter

You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.

My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?

Me: what’s the weather like?

Mom: just open the door and find out

Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ

I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”

ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?

HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it

Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.

Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.