Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
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She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Always 🥴
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet