Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*

ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?

I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.

My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.

Why am I like this?

customs agent:
Anything to declare?

me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.

WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically

^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats

cashier: would you like a receipt?

me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)

cashier: well?

me: I want to talk to a lawyer

4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*

*puts on ballerina shoes*

*puts on ballerina tiara*

Me: Who are you supposed to be?

4: A ninja.

My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.

I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.

James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”

how do lawyers not cry when arguing

I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars

#titanic

My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.

7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.

My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory

[ikea date]

him: let’s go check out the beds 😉

me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?

I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.

I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc

i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???

Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree

Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?

At the International League of Assassins

Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?

So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.

A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold

Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now

Bear attacking me: [bear noises]

Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening

When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring