Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.

“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher

If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.

Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.

i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass

#Caturday

Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house

[in the park]

Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…

Her: uh huh, I guess…

Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]

I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman

Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….

Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”

9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.

Me: That would be a plane.

9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.

Me: So, a helicopter then.

9: No no small like a drone.

Me: …..

This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step

#CoronaOutbreak

“How can I help u, Bowser?”

I need a loan

“For ANOTHER castle?”

A flying castle

“U have like 24 already”

IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER

The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.

Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass

Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on

[at funeral]

My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-

*casket is lowered into the ground*

-he was down to earth.

My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.

This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.

I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.

me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?

Five Guys: thats a peanut.

I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.

I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner

*Goes to Vegas casino

*Steps out of limo

Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?

Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.

grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken

king: how many horses do you have?

grocer: what

king: [panicking] how many men?

You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?

Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?