Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
You Might Also Like
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Breaking news:
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.