Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
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DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:
-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
I laughed at this way too hard.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.