Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
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I put the “pro” in inappropriate
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:
“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”
Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.