Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
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The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
I just tested negative for patience.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.