Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.

me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok

quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes

quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows

quarantine day 7: tequila

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away

You are my people

Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.

me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.

My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.

I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras

I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!

playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”

Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year

genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous

You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.

[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME

Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.

Me: And when there was only one set of-

Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!

My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.

Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.

Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.

I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old

As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.

Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.

Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi

All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.

Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish

Fin

French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.

when your pet decides to sleep on your bed

The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.

them: your tweet is missing a word

me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?

Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.

Me: Sorry, I will be out of town

Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?

Me: I’m free June 10.

The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.