“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
You Might Also Like
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
I had a parent text me saying her 7yo son wouldn’t believe that she knew how to do a math homework problem he was confused about, and would I please text back saying she is correct so that he will get ready for bed. 😂
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Nothing to do, you say?
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*