“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
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Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
called in thicc to work this morning
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?