Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)
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My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Geez man, take it easy.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back