Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.

My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.

Change is always hard….

Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.

“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”

For the fourth year in a row my 9yo asked for a go-cart for Christmas. They’re only $1500, he says.

Don’t worry, everyone, he said we don’t have to get him anything else. Just the go-cart will be fine.

a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!

Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences

Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks

Judge: divorce granted

I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.

Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore

If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.

I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?

The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.

Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.

5yo: I want a snack.

M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.

5: I NEED CHOICES!

M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.

My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.

It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.

You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.

a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class

“snitches get stitches”

Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997

That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.

Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..

😎

I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.

I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃

me: this is my horse mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.

i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —

which auto response should i send back to my dentist?

I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.

Dumple