Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)
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Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”