Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)
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My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
is this how new cars are made??
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
I just got an email saying ‘At Google earth we can read maps backwards!’
I thought, “That’s just spam.”
Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
I just can’t think what this suitcase is the best thing since?
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Seven wives and no alcohol?
No thanks Mormons.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*