Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[The next day]

Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went

George Michael: She woke me up before she went went

FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.

The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb

If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it

*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.

Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.

I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.

Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow

*aliens come to earth to steal our water*

[cut to]

*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*

Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?

“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”

MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad

COW: What’s that mean?

MAN: Uh-

COW: I’m fat?

MAN: … You’re a cow?

PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo

ME: i trained my cat to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: name an object pronoun

CAT: me-

ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt

CAT: -ow

HER: this sucks

ME: patience

CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda

I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.

My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.

The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.

Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.

Someone: wanna hear something interesting?

Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO

Me: sure

Anxiety: you brought this on yourself

Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.

there’s music for literally every activity

July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*

August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*

August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*

Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?

When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.

2017 – Wizard of Oz

[opening credits]

Dorothy: *opens weather app*

[end credits]

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”

2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”

I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.

I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:

1.) Tortilla chips

How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.