get her what she really wants this holiday season (a large quantity of potatoes prepared several different ways)
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I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
January 1st: anything is possible
January 2nd: but not today
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
‘Just Do It (Yourself)’
NIKEA
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
It happened to me: I committed to a type of pie before I found out there was a better type of pie on another shelf
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
This is my brand.
