Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?

Friend: 6th grade

Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.

Friend: Computers?

making bad rap music is committing crhymes.

Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.

Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.

i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency

Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US

Dinosaur 911: is it the sun

Dinosaur: haha probably. bye

Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.

I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.

I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.

Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.

deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)

It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.

Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday

Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.

Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.

Coworker: Cute dress!

Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown

Coworker: [avoids me]

Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.

Genie: I grant you three wishes.

Bob: I want to be rich.

Genie: Granted.

Rich: I want a lot of money.

Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen

Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO

Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said

I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.

Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.

I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.

9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework

I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.

I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do

*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*

Wife: it’s still NO!

*holds boombox over my head outside your window

Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?

rolls sleeve
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-Octopus preparing for a fight

My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.