“get his ass” is so hilarious. its like the modern version of “seize him”
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*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Sunday
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
Its true…
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
