“get his ass” is so hilarious. its like the modern version of “seize him”
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Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
As we are leaving the car wash, passing the self-service bays, 6yo says, “oohh that’s how poor people wash their cars” and now I have to teach her a lesson and make her do all our laundry in the creek.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Doug is just Canadian for dog
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.