“get his ass” is so hilarious. its like the modern version of “seize him”
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A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
This is setting unrealistic beauty standards for men. We can’t all kill someone
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…