Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
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Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
My mom says if I’m a good boy, I can be the captain of the gravy boat at Thanksgiving this year.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
the dark web is just a goth google.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!