Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
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Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?
Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Read “intermittent fasting” as “internet fasting,” and I think I may have inadvertently stumbled upon the healthiest lifestyle change ever
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.