Get in loser we’re going crying
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My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you
me: *fires therapist*
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.