Get in loser we’re going crying
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Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
What
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service