Get in loser, we’re going overthinking
You Might Also Like
True statement👍😏😁
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing
the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Did…did a minotaur write this
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.