Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
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I’ve started doing some weight training. I’ve already taught them “sit” and “stay.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.