Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings

COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?

ME: He seemed mad

A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.

A man of commitment.

[first day in hell]

Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?

Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—

Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*

That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet

Bear knowledge

[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.

[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME

god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?

Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.

My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics

To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.

Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.

Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero

this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭

my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee

35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.

8am: plain egg whites

1pm: greek yogurt

6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies

12am: every damn snack on earth

Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.

Start of the article: but what if only three people read it

End of the article: at least only three people will read it

What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.

“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”

*Go to a bar you Hate

*Put $50 in the Jukebox

*Play nothing but Nickelback

*Leave

The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad

[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t

welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister

Dietest Coke

My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.

The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason

How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”