Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
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The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Her: So, what are we thinking?
Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.