Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
You Might Also Like
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost