Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way
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ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
I put the hot in psychotic.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.