Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….

~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!

Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there

Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?

My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.

Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.

Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.

I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener

Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse

Good things about drinking on the plane:

1. You don’t have to drive.

2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.

me: why does my back hurt

also me:

Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs

I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.

I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.

Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind

I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities

My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me

When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.

I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,

“You’re making a big moose steak.”

5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?

Me: What?

5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.

Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?

Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk

I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”

It’s 11:15 pm.

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.

at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.

on da cob, we all corn

My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.

The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like

like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.

WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol

(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.