Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way
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It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
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